Greatest joy, greatest sorrow

Hello again world, it's been a while. I'm taking another leap of faith in throwing out more vulnerability into the blog world.

So much has changed in the two years that I have not written. Life has happened in ways I never imagined. I've felt more pain and more joy.
I've sat with my own pain, my own sadness, my own relief and joy. I've sat with others in countless sessions, sharing in their pain, growth and joy. I've learned a tremendous amount about the fragility of life and the strength of the human spirit. I've learned about the amazing powers of the mind-body connection.

I saw the beginning of life, a small heartbeat, a small being growing inside me one week, and the next it was gone.
I experienced the heartbreak of becoming a mother without her baby...and then having it happen again almost 2 years later.
The one thing I have desired most in my life has been briefly given and taken away, which brought in questioning of myself (what am I doing wrong) and my faith (why would a loving God do such a thing). It was a long journey of more than a year after the first loss, and I had come to a place of healing. I spent time in prayer and the biggest help (aside from the support of my loving family) was bibliotherapy in the form of the book "Love Letters to Miscarried Moms" by Samantha Evans. Sam writes with a powerful voice that combines the serious and a sense of humor, spirituality and daily life. It's real and I connected with this in a way that really helped me put things in perspective at a time when I was really struggling. I highly recommend the book!

Recently I made the difficult decision to leave my job. I've been there about 3 years and it has been a great learning experience. I've met some great people (staff and clients) and really feel I grew in my career and confidence. I learned how to work on self-care and boundary setting even more- I started speaking up for myself and learning to let go of perfectionism. The decision was not made lightly, but due to ongoing stress, I decided I needed a break if I was going to have a successful, healthy pregnancy. Originally my plan was to stop working due to pregnancy and focus on taking care of myself and my growing baby. Sadly my most recent pregnancy was cut short as little one's heart was slow and eventually stopped.
So in just a few weeks time, I will close this chapter of my life and set out once again into the unknown. It is both exciting and scary. I am trying my best to plan out my time, so I can be productive as well as use the time for restoring my body, mind and spirit back to health.

My last post prior to this I wrote about my goals. Health, fun/connection, creativity, and spirituality. I think in a lot of ways, these are the core goals I will continue to work on. To build my physical and mental health by staying active (yoga, dance, walking) and eating well balanced meals that help my body to function at it's best. To remain connected with others in my life and enjoying what life/other people have to offer. To continue to create - writing, drawing/painting, meals, crocheting...the list goes on. To create myself, to use my creativity, to create new life... To nourish my spirituality in ways that help me connect, grow and love.