Growth - John 15:5

So right now I'm suppose to be writing up a witness talk to give to the confirmation class tomorrow, but I'm kind of stuck. I've written and given talks before, but for some reason I can't seem to do it right now (maybe because I put it off, thinking it was going to be "easy" to write.) I can't contain all I want to say in a ten minute or less talk. The talk is suppose to be a testimony of "my life with Christ" as well as demonstrate steps to grow spiritually.

I have so many things I want to talk about- from high school, college, JVC, and ACTS. There have been so many retreats and other activities/events that have helped strengthen my relationship with God. That's another funny thing - I recognize Jesus as part of the Trinity, but most often I speak of my relationship with "God" and have a hard time talking about my relationship with "Jesus". I feel like for some reason that is more complicated. I believe in Jesus, but have a harder time grasping that I am communicating with Jesus (except in receiving the Eucharist)... I feel like I pray to God and thank Him, follow the teachings and examples of Jesus, and am guided and moved by the Holy Spirit. Even though each is the same in some sort of mysterious way.

Also, today I heard "Happy New Year" from several people. Maybe I just never hung out with them before, but this is the first year I've heard people say that when referring to the new liturgical year. I like it and understand it, and am excited about Advent, but it just took me by surprise today to hear it from so many people.

Also, in working on this talk, and teaching CCD I"m realizing just how much I've grown spiritually in the past ten years, and yet how much faith I had at 14. Truly it must have been a special gift that God gave me, to have spiritual wisdom at such a young age. I don't think I recognized it or appreciated it then, but looking at my old journals made me realize just how much that it was becoming a part of who I would become. So much so, that now I feel that is one part of my identity that I am most sure about. Something that helps keep me grounded in some ways. If anything, I know that I want to strive to be like Jesus was - accepting of others, welcoming, loving, and willing to serve others always.

Another thing: I've noticed that scripture has become even more a part of my life lately. Usually it's that someone else will mention a passage, and then I see that specific verse all over, and eventually I realize that I"m suppose to learn something from it, or make it part of my life. I now have a few hanging around my room- some on artwork I've done, some on sticky notes on my dresser mirror, and still others on plain computer paper taped to my wall. Either way they keep me moving forward, keep me praying, remind me that God has a plan for me, and I belong to Him.

Here's one that I have by my mirror, reminding me to have courage:

"God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" 2 Tim 1:7


I'm so all over the place right now. But I feel like all I have to do is write from my heart, to speak from my heart, and stop worrying so much about it being "perfect" and "right". I just wish that was easier to do, like it is to say.

Didn't know who I was supposed to be... at fifteen

Recently I've been hearing the Taylor Swift song "Fifteen" on the radio, and it really seems to hit some spot in my heart. I think it really says a lot about what happens when you are young and "in love" (or at least in my own experiences)... you get caught up in another person sometimes and don't focus on being who you are- you end up becoming what they want (maybe not always, or completely, but in many ways).

This is the part that means the most to me:

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind
And we both cried

Chorus

‘Cause when you’re fifteen
And somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
And when you’re fifteen
Don’t forget to look before you fall
I’ve found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you’re supposed to be
I didn’t know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen


It kind of makes me sad. To lose yourself, to give all you had, to believe you are "loved" and in love, only to be hurt in ways you didn't know were possible until they happened.

It breaks my heart when I hear this song. But I think it so perfectly describes what often happens.