Weekly Post 4: Circles of Life

LIFE. In high school I attended youth group and part of the name was L.I.F.E - standing for "Living in Faith Experiences" (or something like that). Funny, that just came to me as I was beginning to write this blog entry. I guess that is what "Life" is about in some ways. It's an accumulation of experiences we live through each day, each moment. I keep seeing patterns in my life, somewhat circular in nature, and that is part of what I want to reflect on today. This morning my husband made a statement to me that I did not really comment on at the time. Something to the effect of "Didn't you say you wanted to write a book?" This question seemed to come out of nowhere, and I was not really in an alert enough state of mind to reply (Yes, dear I did say that). However, it stuck with me. Yes, that has been one of my dreams since childhood - to become an "author". I use to love writing, coming up with stories and jotting them down in my journal or notebook. I even managed to type up the beginning of several stories only a few years back. Why did I stop? Life, I guess, in some senses got in the way. Fear, took over - the fear that no one would really be interested in what I wrote, or that it wouldn't be "good enough", or maybe even that it would be liked, and I'd be expected to write more... or the fear that what I was writing really made no sense, or that people would judge what was going on in my head... So, just before opening up the blog, I flipped through the journal I received for my birthday in 2006, in which I have kept snippets of my writing - essays, short stories, beginnings of stories, inspirational quotes from favorite authors or other people in my life, etc. There were some based on true life events that brought me back and some that really stirred something in me. There are stories there waiting to be told, to be completed. Characters waiting to come to life once again. I had written down a quote, or rather the words "agere contra", to act against... my notes read... "find God in unexpected place and move past fear"... "Is this part of myself keeping me from being more loving and generous? Is it keeping me from being close to God and to other people?". This brings me back to the patterns in my life - each time I've made a big move or transition, there is a strong fear that makes me think twice. I have always tried to take the leap of faith, to push myself to go beyond and try something new. In my work life, it was the populations I was working with - with each job I said "Oh, I'm never going to do this." and then, not long after, found myself in positions I had said I wouldn't do, and yet was doing and even enjoying them. It's these places in my life I have truly lived a "faith experience", and grown as a person. You plan one thing, but when you put your faith in something bigger than yourself (God, in this instance), the plans turn out very different (and often better), than you can ever imagine. Sometimes it is doing the thing that I think I cannot do or wouldn't like, that ends up being one of the best decisions. So I have to remember that when I feel strongly against moving in a certain direction, to ask myself "why?" and to look at what it would mean to move in that exact direction (as long is it is not harmful to myself or others in any way). in my personal life it was taking the step to let go of the past, and be open to new people and experiences in my life - that has been one of the best decisions I have made, in finding the person who I had been seeking. Who I resisted getting close to initially, but who has seen all the parts of me and continues to love me each day. A person with whom I can share my life and be myself. Who at random moments brings up just the words that my yearning soul needed to hear ( like, hey honey weren't you planning to write a book). So back to writing, those words helped put a spark in me. I'd been feeling sort of unmotivated - going about daily life, but feeling a bit deflated. This is a time of transition. I am working on completing professional certifications in order to move forward in my career and find a job where I feel I can utilize my skills and creativity to help make others' lives better. In the meantime, I feel a struggle. I volunteer my time, and do the best I can to contribute to my family and community, but something was missing. Maybe, just maybe this is it. My new goal (along with all the many others in my life), is to complete at least one of my books and work towards getting it published (even if it doesn't). I need to work on setting deadlines, and writing each day, but I want to bring that passion back into my life. To bring full circle the dreams of my girlhood into my adult life. To give myself that creative outlet, along side the art work, to express all the thoughts and feelings trapped inside my head, and the pages of all my old notebooks, and word documents. Things to ponder: What patterns do you see in your life? What was your childhood passion that you do or can bring into your adult life?