Another year over

"'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland' Says the Lord." Isaiah 43:18-19

As I came to reflect on the year that has passed, I flipped my daily "promises for students" calendar to Dec 31st, and discovered that passage was the verse for the day. I figured it was fitting, but I'm going to ignore the first part for just a few moments to reflect on the past, and look forward to the future.

2009 has been quite an interesting year. I can't say that it has been my favorite year so far, but I think it's the first year in a long time that I've grown so much. I feel like I'm ending this year in a much healthier place - emotionally, spiritually, and physically- than before. I have a greater sense of self, and have felt more accomplished. I've learned to deal with disappointment and change (though it's still not easy, I'm managing it better). I still have a long way to go, but I've come to identify the areas I need to work on more clearly.

2009 was a year of losses and loves of different kinds. I mourned the loss of my JVC year (07-08) and tried to adjust to the loss of freedom that came with moving back home in the fall of 08. It was a struggle, but I find myself in a better place. I've learned how to take responsibility and am trying to make an effort to be more independent while also being respectful of my mother.
I lost a relationship that had been building over the past few years, and was sad to see it go, but in the end I grew so much from it, and know that it happened for a reason. I wouldn't have grown if I had stayed. My only regret is that along with that, I lost a friend somewhere along the way. I pray that someday that friendship can be mended.
I did better at taking care of myself during 2009- from starting to take daily vitamins regularly, joining the gym (though I don't go as often as I should), taking a yoga class, and using my DBT skills :) ... to cope with the rockiness of life.

I was on team for two retreats, where I built new friendships,renewed old ones, and grew closer to God. I gave talks on both ACTS retreats, which was in itself part of my healing process. The theme of one was LOVE, and it was full of Love. I realized just how important my community is to me, and how much I have grown since my first retreat. I also spoke a witness to the confirmation class, and amt eaching 6th grade CCD for the first time.

I babysat for some adorable kids. I dealt with a dead car battery and brought my car in to get fixed, by myself, for the first time. I made some trips to Boston and elsewhere to visit friends, and relive my JV days as a camp counselor at Casserly House. I witnessed the baptism of a friend's baby. I read the entire Twilight series, and enjoyed it. I worked over a year at the hospital and am still enjoying it quite a bit, as well as having made some great friend's there. I learned to play tennis, and don't stink at it so much anymore :)

I started 2009 in New Orleans and then with a swamp tour, holding a baby gator. I vowed to take more risks during the year. I think I did pretty well with that.

I started a new relationship with a guy that has helped me to see myself in a way I haven't before. It's been a fun few months getting to know each other, as well as being open to growing together in a variety of ways (most importantly spiritually). It's the first time I've been in a relationship that I hadn't known for a while as a friend or acquaintance before dating, so it's been a new experience. It's also the first time I've been in a dating relationship where I've been "discerning" it - praying about it, and really being open to what God has planned for me- whether it be this relationship, or something else. I'm determined to keep God at the center from now on, which I've let slip a little in the past.

So I head into 2010 filled with hope and an open mind/heart to what the new year will bring. I also bring with me some goals/resolutions.

1. To continue to grow independent and confident in my abilities, as well as become more assertive.
2. To create a healthy life style by: eating healthier, going to the gym at least once a week and building a routine with my yoga practice, continue to take my vitamins daily, keep good dental habits
3. To improve my social habits - to be more open to meeting new people and deepening existing friendships, to continue to overcome social anxiety by taking risks and letting people in.
4. To read more consistently, and get through at least a few of the books on my "to read" list
5. To figure out a career path and apply to graduate school.
6. To continue to deepen my spiritual life/relationship with God (more spiritual/scripture reading, and more consistent journaling). Keep trusting God.
7. To try the following: Sushi, swing dance or other ballroom dance lessons, learn to drive standard

Growth - John 15:5

So right now I'm suppose to be writing up a witness talk to give to the confirmation class tomorrow, but I'm kind of stuck. I've written and given talks before, but for some reason I can't seem to do it right now (maybe because I put it off, thinking it was going to be "easy" to write.) I can't contain all I want to say in a ten minute or less talk. The talk is suppose to be a testimony of "my life with Christ" as well as demonstrate steps to grow spiritually.

I have so many things I want to talk about- from high school, college, JVC, and ACTS. There have been so many retreats and other activities/events that have helped strengthen my relationship with God. That's another funny thing - I recognize Jesus as part of the Trinity, but most often I speak of my relationship with "God" and have a hard time talking about my relationship with "Jesus". I feel like for some reason that is more complicated. I believe in Jesus, but have a harder time grasping that I am communicating with Jesus (except in receiving the Eucharist)... I feel like I pray to God and thank Him, follow the teachings and examples of Jesus, and am guided and moved by the Holy Spirit. Even though each is the same in some sort of mysterious way.

Also, today I heard "Happy New Year" from several people. Maybe I just never hung out with them before, but this is the first year I've heard people say that when referring to the new liturgical year. I like it and understand it, and am excited about Advent, but it just took me by surprise today to hear it from so many people.

Also, in working on this talk, and teaching CCD I"m realizing just how much I've grown spiritually in the past ten years, and yet how much faith I had at 14. Truly it must have been a special gift that God gave me, to have spiritual wisdom at such a young age. I don't think I recognized it or appreciated it then, but looking at my old journals made me realize just how much that it was becoming a part of who I would become. So much so, that now I feel that is one part of my identity that I am most sure about. Something that helps keep me grounded in some ways. If anything, I know that I want to strive to be like Jesus was - accepting of others, welcoming, loving, and willing to serve others always.

Another thing: I've noticed that scripture has become even more a part of my life lately. Usually it's that someone else will mention a passage, and then I see that specific verse all over, and eventually I realize that I"m suppose to learn something from it, or make it part of my life. I now have a few hanging around my room- some on artwork I've done, some on sticky notes on my dresser mirror, and still others on plain computer paper taped to my wall. Either way they keep me moving forward, keep me praying, remind me that God has a plan for me, and I belong to Him.

Here's one that I have by my mirror, reminding me to have courage:

"God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" 2 Tim 1:7


I'm so all over the place right now. But I feel like all I have to do is write from my heart, to speak from my heart, and stop worrying so much about it being "perfect" and "right". I just wish that was easier to do, like it is to say.

Didn't know who I was supposed to be... at fifteen

Recently I've been hearing the Taylor Swift song "Fifteen" on the radio, and it really seems to hit some spot in my heart. I think it really says a lot about what happens when you are young and "in love" (or at least in my own experiences)... you get caught up in another person sometimes and don't focus on being who you are- you end up becoming what they want (maybe not always, or completely, but in many ways).

This is the part that means the most to me:

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind
And we both cried

Chorus

‘Cause when you’re fifteen
And somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
And when you’re fifteen
Don’t forget to look before you fall
I’ve found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you’re supposed to be
I didn’t know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen


It kind of makes me sad. To lose yourself, to give all you had, to believe you are "loved" and in love, only to be hurt in ways you didn't know were possible until they happened.

It breaks my heart when I hear this song. But I think it so perfectly describes what often happens.

Random List

1. I realize how much I live by quotes and song lyrics - They keep me sane. They help me explain feelings and situations when my own words just won't seem to do

2. My new best friends are werewolves and vampires...ok, not really. The point here is that I'm more into the Twighlight series than I ever expected to be. I'm reading book three (Eclipse) right now, and am so into it.

3. Life is a series of choices. I"m learning how to make my own choices, and stick with them. To learn what I can and hope for the best.

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

I'm praying for clarity. For understanding.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Maybe things can get too serious too fast... which makes everything else go so much faster.
I don't want drama. I just want companionship. love. communication. forgiveness.
I just want peace in the present moment. To enjoy each moment, every day to the fullest.


as the song goes (i want to):
to take each moment
and live each moment
in peace eternally

let there be peace on earth
and let it begin with me.

Change this something normal into something Beautiful

It's been an interesting couple of weeks.

I am throughouly convinced God has a sense of humor.
I firmly believe things happen for a reason, and like when that seems to be confirmed in my life.

You know when you meet someone and suddenly your whole perspective changes? You suddnely feel more real, more comfortable, and a deeper desire to make positive changes in life? I love when God places people in my life like that. Even when I may shy away at first. He's put a relationship before me that I wasn't really looking for in any serious way, but seems to be just what I need. It feels like another leap of faith. I find myself drawing closer to God, and really wanting to try hard to do what I know in my heart is right. The thing I love is that this person wants a lot of the same things. Life is a funny thing sometimes. I keep wondering, what is God trying to teach me now? I'm so thankful for all my past experiences that have gotten me where I am now.

passion vs. pay

lowest paying majors


So I woke up on the early side this morning, opened up the internet, and as usual I don't remember the original reason for doing so because, also as usual, I was distracted by various headlines/articles including the one about the lowest paying college majors. I wonder now, why I clicked on it. I could've guessed my own would be sitting there, looking back at me. I was somewhat surprised, however, to see social work listed as the lowest paying major. It was a bit unsettling at first, then somewhat comforting as I read the article. I knew the major I'd chosen was low-paying. I didn't choose it for the money. Eventually the article goes on to express the idea of following something you are passionate about. I would rather be doing something I enjoy for a career than working at a job that I don't like, or don't have the skills for. They also mentioned how these majors were often the most career oriented- really giving training for a specified career.

I just felt the need to rant on that. Sometimes I wonder if I could have found something else I enjoy that would provide a big larger income to be able to support myself. If I want a higher paying job in the field I'll have to go to graduate school to get my masters and take out more student loans which I will most likely be paying back for the rest of my life. But in the long run, what does it matter? I have learned/am still learning that the quality of life doesn't come with large amounts of money, but in satisfying relationships with other people. Now if I could just master that...

Closer to Love

I figured it was time for an update.
Right now I am currently finding myself obsessed with Mat Karney's songs- particularly Closer to Love. It pulls on my heart strings. I just love it.

Maybe because I am in love with LOVE.
At the last ACTS retreat I was on the theme had to do with the fact that GOD is love. Therefore, I like to think that being in love with love has a lot to do with being in love with God. And that is not a bad thing at all.

Things are changing all around. Change is life though I guess.
The retreat was a giant step in my own transformation. In becoming more comforable with the decisions I am making. Trusting that things happen for a reason. Praying for the strength to make it through when I wish things were like they were before. In reality I'm coming to a healthier place again. Finding out what makes me happy, who I need in my life to help support me. Finding out who truly will be there.
I'm trying to take one step, one moment at a time. Which is really hard when my mind starts planning my future. Then I start missing out on life now.

People come and go. I hate goodbyes. I wish they didn't have to happen.
I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people, even though I want to so badly. A lot of this has to do with the fear of losing or rejection.


I haven't talked to many college and JVC roomies and friends and aquantiences who I do really like.

One person that I use to feel closest to for the past couple years stopped talking to me for reasons I'm not entirely sure of...

and most recently a great coworker left today.

In other news, I am trying to be healthier in mind, body and spirit.
My goal is to exercise more and eat healthier. To take vitamins. To learn to relax. To spend more time outside (which is hard to do when it keeps raining!)
I'm contemplating going to Haiti in March for an immersion trip.
I'm enjoying reading the Twilight series, even though I wasn't sure about it at first.

I think that's all.
Peace.

Keep faith. Hold onto hope. Love with all you have.
(this is for myself as much as anyone else)

Whatever it takes

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle."

As much as I struggle, I can see how much the past couple weeks have been just what I have needed.

I've had the opportunity to reconnect/connect with friends. To focus on putting together talks and other parts for the upcoming retreats.
I understand now at least some of the reason I am doing both retreats, as overwhelming as it gets at times.
I've also had time to take care of me, and discover the kind of strength I have.

Well, I wanted to write more, but I'm off to play tennis with some of my coworkers. :)

In the rise and falling apart we discover who we are

grr...

I'm so frustrated. I wish this didn't bother me, but it in fact does. I'm skeptical of some of the things that were said. I trust easily, and I don't.
My kindness is my strength and my weakness.


How was I to know anything was wrong? The silence should've given it away. How ignorant I am.
What happens in that fall?
When do I get to rise up again?
This situation is a "blessing and a curse".

I know I'm not making any sense. Mostly in my own head.

Part of me knows I am capable of keeping on, even though I feel like falling apart. The distance is so freakin painful.

Why when I am further away from people do I feel closer.
What the heck is wrong that once I am too close things tend to fall apart?

I know I am loveable, but sometimes I just don't feel that way. I know I shouldn't take things personally, but I do.

I have only hope... trying to figure out what's best for me. Trying to trust God and my own decisions. "What's meant to be will be"...

Remember my name - FAME!

Another month. Can't believe this year is almost half way through.

June and July are gonna be two of my busiest months yet. Good busy though. Dance recital, retreat meetings, retreats, helping with the summer camp at Casserly House, etc.
Those are just some of the events.

Life has been weird lately. I think I've reached a turning point, and I'm beginning to grow some more. With growth though comes growing pains- and boy can they be painful.
I'm not talking about physical growth(though that would be nice if I could grow an inch or two more), but personal growth. I'm learning to navigate the tough waters of my relationships with others. I'm learning, what I've always known- that I really need to be more assertive. I've been too complacent in letting others determine my life. I'm ready to take a stand to determine my own life. I'm indecisive, but it's time to make decisions that are for my own good.

I try so hard to make others happy, that sometimes I forget what I need to do to care for me. Sometimes I depend to much on others, other times I'm afraid to ask for what I need from them. I let others get to me, forgetting I have control of my own reactions. This things have come to my attention, and the more I think about them, the more I feel empowered to do the things that I need to do to make me happy. If others are with me, they are. If they don't like it, frankly (not to sound mean but...) that's too bad.

I love my job. I am learning so much as I teach and counsel. I know I am right where I am suppose to be, job wise. I can't picture myself anywhere else right now. The scary part is thinking that I can't be in this job forever, it's only part time, and eventually I'll need a job that makes slightly more money.

Speaking of job... I should really go get ready for work now.

Thanks to John Mayer

Something's missing
And I dont know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I dont know what it is
At all

Another month has gone by since I updated this blog. 2009 is going by so fast.
Bring on the May flowers!! Though this week it seems like there are a lot of May showers... :/

Life is flowing along, been pretty busy.

Work is good. 3 weeks without our star MHC has been going better than expected. She does so much and we've been able to split the jobs and get them done- thank God! It truly is God watching out for us.

I have come to realize that I have a very limited social life right now. I've been compensating by throwing myself into my hobbies. Oh, and I joined the gym- which I thought I'd never do, but decided that exercise (whether i want to do it or not) has such great benefits to my emotional and physical health.

Back to my social life- it's been hard, since I am often content being by myself, but really crave the company of other people. I have difficulty initiating things, and that there is a problem. Maybe it's because of all the losses I suffered in the past. Fear of rejection. Indecision. My low self-confidence...Who knows. The extent of my "social" life right now mainly revolves around work life, and the two ACTS retreat teams I'm on - which I love, but have slowly taken over my life. I hope I'm not in over my head. I'm trusting God knows what he's doing with me here.

Living at home has it's advantages and disadvantages. Sure, I'm saving money, and have a roof over my head, and food on the table. And I have some freedom. But sometimes I just wish this transition to full blown adulthood didn't have to be so difficult. Sometimes I feel treated like an adult, and other times reverted back to being a child. It's frustrating. I do love and appreciate my mother and everything she does for us, but sometimes I'm anxious to move on and move out...

Okay, I have to go get ready for work. Just wanted to get in an update.

indecision leads no where.

it makes interpersonal effectiveness difficult.
It reduces i.e. - that's what I taught to a group yesterday. And it dawned on me that it's often my problem. Well, that and emotional responses that often prevent me from acting appropriately, or making a decision.

I end up stuck with nothing if I cannot make a decision, and that I suppose is the decision I made.

I need to use Radical Acceptance - to make a decision and accept it, use mindfulness to not worry about the other choice, but to accept the choices that I do in fact make. That was thanks to the wisdom of one of the teens in program. I wish I had been clever enough to think of it myself.

Maybe I can use that to become more decisive, so I don't ruin the relationships around me because I can't make choices quick enough, or at all in some cases.
blah.

gotta go to work now. Maybe I'll have more lovely revelations while I'm there.
Then to mass for Holy Thursday.
Can't believe it's almost Easter already. Seems like the year just began.

All my roads, well they lead to you

It's hard to believe another year has come and gone so fast.
I was driving home from an ACTS retreat meeting tonight, and had a sudden revelation- an answer to a question that connected with another decision I struggled with last year, and came to conclusions about on the JVC Silent Retreat... this revelation followed by one of my favorite songs (from middle school years, mind you), which I hadn't heard in a long time - It's all for You, by sister hazel (see previous post for lyrics).

It suddenly dawned on me that those lyrics could actually have a deeper meaning. I turned my singing along with S.H. into a quick prayer. My heart was filled with such joy- i wanted to cry, but did my best to stay composed, so I didn't drive off the road. God works in such mysterious ways.

Despite any falling, it's all for you, God. Help me to remember that.

I still have goosebumps thinking about it. Though, it really was just less than an hour ago.

Everything connects. God is in my life, even when I forget to keep that thought daily.

This year will take more leaps of faith, I can feel it. But I'm ready for what's in store- it feels like they will be great things. I feel like this will be a year of more growth- to build upon the past couple years. Everything comes full circle. When I feel this sure about something I should really go for it- since I'm usually so indecisive.

Finally I figured out...

It's All for You - Sister Hazel

Finally I figured out
But it took a long long time
And now there's a turnabout
Maybe cause I'm trying
There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads
Well they lead to you
I just can't turn
And walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say, I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you

And I thought I'd seen it all
Cause it's been a long long time
Oh but then we'll trip and fall
Wondering if I'm blind
There's been times
I'm so confused
All my roads
Well they lead me to you
I just can't turn
And walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you


Rain comes pouring down
(Pouring down)
Falling from blue skies
(Falling from blue skies)
Words without a sound
Coming from your eyes

finally I figured out
But it took a long long time
And now there's a turnabout
Maybe cause I'm trying
There's been times
I'm so confused
All my roads
Well they lead to you
I just can't turn
And walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you

It's hard to say,
Yea it's hard to say,
It's all for you