It always seems to be that some Bible verse will suddenly bombard me on my path when I least expect it. The past 24 hours or so has brought me to further examine one of my favorites (and probably one of the best known excerpts from the letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians....)
It began with a free Saturday night, tired and relaxing, I decided to finally watch the movie "The Mission", which had been sitting in my room in the case with the X-files movie, both lent to me, in the hopes I'd get around to watching them. So after months and months of the DVD starring back at me, something inside moved me to actually pick up The Mission and put it in the DVD player. With a year-old crocheting project in hand (the tiny square is slowly turning into a blanket - yay!), I sat down to absorb all the wisdom the movie might bestow upon me.
The first thing that excited me about the movie as I watched was the appearance of Liam Neeson (well, after the beautiful rushing water and green foliage). For some reason I really like him, so it was kind of fun to see him playing a Jesuit.
The second moment in the movie that caught my attention (and stirred something in my heart, too) was when Cpt. Mendoza reaches the mission land after his long journey with the Jesuits and breaks down and cries after the rope is cut free by the people from the tribe he had been enslaving and killing. That scene so strongly showed the power of forgiveness and the power of love. Also seeing how God can work through us. Then when Mendoza reads the verse from Corinthians 13, given to him by Father Gabriel, the power of those words seemed to take on a whole new meaning, particularly in service. "Though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains and have not love, I am nothing." --- that's pretty powerful stuff there. It's useless to simply have faith, or to do works of service without love.
Then of course today's second reading at Mass was that reading. I've been doing meditations from "The Word Among Us", and so the meditation for today was about that reading. I've realized that really "faith, hope and love" are what help me day by day to be patient, and to serve the best I can.
Then I was reading more in The Irresistible Revolution today, and happened to come across the message again "if we sell all that we have and give it to the poor, but have not love, it is meaningless."
I started feeling that fire burning again in my heart - that I have to do something more, with love, to work for systemic change. Not just giving a bit of time here, a dollar or two there, but really dedicating myself to helping heal our society. To help build up a healthy community of love. I feel like I'm being challenge - to give up my life of comfort for something greater- to get back to the fundamental roots of the Christian community. To live the life I did during JVC, but deeper and more intentional, and with even more love than before.
In reality I don't feel ready, but I feel like I need to get there. It's a radical call, and I know I should just trust God. But I'm not quite there yet. I can feel that my faith and trust are deeper than before, but I feel like I have a long way to go before I can make it there. It's scary. Then there's the whole "vocation" thing. I don't think I am called to be a religious sister, and at times I get strong tugs towards married life and becoming a mother. However, sometimes I get the sense I should be leaving behind the life I have here and going somewhere to live in simplicity and build relationships with the poor and undeserved. I still think that all started my junior year of high school when I saw the movie Choices of the Heart in religion class.
I've been thinking about going to grad school to get my masters in social work, or something similar. But again, I'm not sure if that's the path I want to take. (also, I don't think I can afford it). In what I read today, I started to think - do I really need that masters to do what i want to do? to serve as I am called to?
Yes, I do need more education, but how so?
Well, that's enough pondering for one night. more at another time.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
No Greater Love
Well, 2010 has definitely begun with some interesting turn of events.
Surely life is what happens while we are busy making other plans...
much to my surprise I find myself planning and plotting only to be back to where I started. I finally realized that all the rational thinking in the world was not going to keep me from loving deeply and risking heartache once again. In the past 7 months or so I have grown so much, and learned so much - about what it means to love and to include God in every moment and every decision. I'm starting to be aware of my feelings and paying closer attention to my reactions and factoring those in when making decisions. I've also discovered what it truly means to have self-respect.
I have to laugh a little at my last post, because I was thinking about past relationships, and I know now that somewhere within me it wasn't quite over. I just wish I wasn't so hopeful, and had the opportunity to express how I am truly feeling. I'm praying now for patience in that situation.
Well, in all honesty, that is not what brought me to blog today, but I had to get that off my mind and out in the world.
Now, for the real deal. My dear friend and former JVC community member is constantly giving me books to read. The latest that she urged I read and gave to me (with the condition that I give it back or pass it on to someone else) is called The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. (http://www.thesimpleway.org/about/) Like other books that she has passed on and strongly recommended that I read, it has begun to stir something inside of me. It is making me restless. I'm not even halfway through yet, but it fills me with such an earnest feeling of "I have to do something like this".
He talks about living a life as an "ordinary radical", getting back to the roots of Christianity and living life as Jesus instructs us to- with love, in community and solidarity with all our brothers and sisters - particularly those struggling with poverty. To let go of the material attachments, and be there with one another, to see Jesus in others. It makes me want to drop everything. I feel like I don't have the courage and motivation right now, but that deep down I know that even though that lifestyle will also be difficult, that I will be genuinely happy. From what I recall some of my happiest days were during my Year of JVC and working at Girl Scout camp. What those experiences have in common were (in simple words): 1) simplicity 2)community 3) play 4)time spent outdoors 5)teaching 6) music - in each experience I was able to find joy in the simple pleasures of life, and didn't have technology (particularly the internet) at the center of my life. It was the relationships that mattered most. That and eating together - I think that times spent eating together can really add to the joy of life.
Anyway, I have been "ruined for Life", but haven't been doing as much about it lately as I know I should be, and as my heart yearns for. I can feel the call to further service, and now I just have to figure out where, what, and how.
Surely life is what happens while we are busy making other plans...
much to my surprise I find myself planning and plotting only to be back to where I started. I finally realized that all the rational thinking in the world was not going to keep me from loving deeply and risking heartache once again. In the past 7 months or so I have grown so much, and learned so much - about what it means to love and to include God in every moment and every decision. I'm starting to be aware of my feelings and paying closer attention to my reactions and factoring those in when making decisions. I've also discovered what it truly means to have self-respect.
I have to laugh a little at my last post, because I was thinking about past relationships, and I know now that somewhere within me it wasn't quite over. I just wish I wasn't so hopeful, and had the opportunity to express how I am truly feeling. I'm praying now for patience in that situation.
Well, in all honesty, that is not what brought me to blog today, but I had to get that off my mind and out in the world.
Now, for the real deal. My dear friend and former JVC community member is constantly giving me books to read. The latest that she urged I read and gave to me (with the condition that I give it back or pass it on to someone else) is called The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. (http://www.thesimpleway.org/about/) Like other books that she has passed on and strongly recommended that I read, it has begun to stir something inside of me. It is making me restless. I'm not even halfway through yet, but it fills me with such an earnest feeling of "I have to do something like this".
He talks about living a life as an "ordinary radical", getting back to the roots of Christianity and living life as Jesus instructs us to- with love, in community and solidarity with all our brothers and sisters - particularly those struggling with poverty. To let go of the material attachments, and be there with one another, to see Jesus in others. It makes me want to drop everything. I feel like I don't have the courage and motivation right now, but that deep down I know that even though that lifestyle will also be difficult, that I will be genuinely happy. From what I recall some of my happiest days were during my Year of JVC and working at Girl Scout camp. What those experiences have in common were (in simple words): 1) simplicity 2)community 3) play 4)time spent outdoors 5)teaching 6) music - in each experience I was able to find joy in the simple pleasures of life, and didn't have technology (particularly the internet) at the center of my life. It was the relationships that mattered most. That and eating together - I think that times spent eating together can really add to the joy of life.
Anyway, I have been "ruined for Life", but haven't been doing as much about it lately as I know I should be, and as my heart yearns for. I can feel the call to further service, and now I just have to figure out where, what, and how.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Fallen Leaves in the Night
Right now I have a lot on my mind. So much so I'm not sure I'll get it down the way I want to express it.
Which brings me to my first thought/point- I realized, after reading some other blogs, that I often just recount my daily/weekly events and it's very much "I did this" and "I feel that". I really want this to be more than just about me - I want it to truly capture ideas on growth and faith and love and life (albeit, mostly it will continue to be about "me" and my experiences with these things).
Anyway, I finally got up the motivation last night to start cleaning my room, and did more work on it today- I can finally see a good chunk of my floor again! :)
De-cluttering is so hard, but in the end so worth it too. I just wish I wasn't so attached to so many things or thinking I'll "need" things some day... Like the hundreds of books around my room. Some of which I've read, others which are sitting, waiting to be read, collecting dust in the process.
Ok, so I started writing this post last night and at the time had a lot on my mind. Then as the post sat here over night, life kind of happened, and most of those things were pushed to the back burner. One of them were these lyrics that were on my mind last night:
"And I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so i say to you, this is what i have to do." (Missy Higgins, "Where I stood")
Not to say that this still isn't on my mind, but it's been pushed back a little, always lingering there.
On another note, I was reading the blog of author Rebecca Wells yesterday, which spurred more thoughts and reflecting on my part. Ever since I read her letter to the reader in the book Little Altars Everywhere, I've felt connected/inspired by her. Anyway, she wrote a post entitled "If broke, choose love". http://www.rebeccawellsbooks.com/?p=188
It was a powerful entry that caused me to think about the broken things (objects/relationships)in my life, as well as the power of love to heal. (I admit, I wrote something that was better than what I'm writing now, but lost it when I realized I was no longer logged in, and had to rewrite it all... sad). Well, she also included the following quote by Thomas Merton, which I really love:
"As long as we are on earth, the love that unites us will bring us suffering by our very contact with one another, because this love is a resetting of a body of broken bones. Even saints cannot live with saints on this earth without some anguish, without some pain at the differences that come between them. There are two things which men can do about the pain of disunion with other men. They can love or they can hate. Hatred recoils from the sacrifice and the sorrow that are the price of this resetting of bones. It refuses the pain of reunion. But love by the acceptance of the pain of reunion, begins to heal all wounds." Thomas Merton
I just think it is such an accurate description of the necessity of breaking, how integral suffering is in our lives. I also think that her post so perfectly depicted the intricacies of life- both the joy and pain- that make it beautiful. Life is beautiful. Sometimes we have to break to be changed, to make something normal into something beautiful. something old recycled into something new.
Which brings me to my first thought/point- I realized, after reading some other blogs, that I often just recount my daily/weekly events and it's very much "I did this" and "I feel that". I really want this to be more than just about me - I want it to truly capture ideas on growth and faith and love and life (albeit, mostly it will continue to be about "me" and my experiences with these things).
Anyway, I finally got up the motivation last night to start cleaning my room, and did more work on it today- I can finally see a good chunk of my floor again! :)
De-cluttering is so hard, but in the end so worth it too. I just wish I wasn't so attached to so many things or thinking I'll "need" things some day... Like the hundreds of books around my room. Some of which I've read, others which are sitting, waiting to be read, collecting dust in the process.
Ok, so I started writing this post last night and at the time had a lot on my mind. Then as the post sat here over night, life kind of happened, and most of those things were pushed to the back burner. One of them were these lyrics that were on my mind last night:
"And I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so i say to you, this is what i have to do." (Missy Higgins, "Where I stood")
Not to say that this still isn't on my mind, but it's been pushed back a little, always lingering there.
On another note, I was reading the blog of author Rebecca Wells yesterday, which spurred more thoughts and reflecting on my part. Ever since I read her letter to the reader in the book Little Altars Everywhere, I've felt connected/inspired by her. Anyway, she wrote a post entitled "If broke, choose love". http://www.rebeccawellsbooks.com/?p=188
It was a powerful entry that caused me to think about the broken things (objects/relationships)in my life, as well as the power of love to heal. (I admit, I wrote something that was better than what I'm writing now, but lost it when I realized I was no longer logged in, and had to rewrite it all... sad). Well, she also included the following quote by Thomas Merton, which I really love:
"As long as we are on earth, the love that unites us will bring us suffering by our very contact with one another, because this love is a resetting of a body of broken bones. Even saints cannot live with saints on this earth without some anguish, without some pain at the differences that come between them. There are two things which men can do about the pain of disunion with other men. They can love or they can hate. Hatred recoils from the sacrifice and the sorrow that are the price of this resetting of bones. It refuses the pain of reunion. But love by the acceptance of the pain of reunion, begins to heal all wounds." Thomas Merton
I just think it is such an accurate description of the necessity of breaking, how integral suffering is in our lives. I also think that her post so perfectly depicted the intricacies of life- both the joy and pain- that make it beautiful. Life is beautiful. Sometimes we have to break to be changed, to make something normal into something beautiful. something old recycled into something new.
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