Whatever it takes

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle."

As much as I struggle, I can see how much the past couple weeks have been just what I have needed.

I've had the opportunity to reconnect/connect with friends. To focus on putting together talks and other parts for the upcoming retreats.
I understand now at least some of the reason I am doing both retreats, as overwhelming as it gets at times.
I've also had time to take care of me, and discover the kind of strength I have.

Well, I wanted to write more, but I'm off to play tennis with some of my coworkers. :)

In the rise and falling apart we discover who we are

grr...

I'm so frustrated. I wish this didn't bother me, but it in fact does. I'm skeptical of some of the things that were said. I trust easily, and I don't.
My kindness is my strength and my weakness.


How was I to know anything was wrong? The silence should've given it away. How ignorant I am.
What happens in that fall?
When do I get to rise up again?
This situation is a "blessing and a curse".

I know I'm not making any sense. Mostly in my own head.

Part of me knows I am capable of keeping on, even though I feel like falling apart. The distance is so freakin painful.

Why when I am further away from people do I feel closer.
What the heck is wrong that once I am too close things tend to fall apart?

I know I am loveable, but sometimes I just don't feel that way. I know I shouldn't take things personally, but I do.

I have only hope... trying to figure out what's best for me. Trying to trust God and my own decisions. "What's meant to be will be"...

Remember my name - FAME!

Another month. Can't believe this year is almost half way through.

June and July are gonna be two of my busiest months yet. Good busy though. Dance recital, retreat meetings, retreats, helping with the summer camp at Casserly House, etc.
Those are just some of the events.

Life has been weird lately. I think I've reached a turning point, and I'm beginning to grow some more. With growth though comes growing pains- and boy can they be painful.
I'm not talking about physical growth(though that would be nice if I could grow an inch or two more), but personal growth. I'm learning to navigate the tough waters of my relationships with others. I'm learning, what I've always known- that I really need to be more assertive. I've been too complacent in letting others determine my life. I'm ready to take a stand to determine my own life. I'm indecisive, but it's time to make decisions that are for my own good.

I try so hard to make others happy, that sometimes I forget what I need to do to care for me. Sometimes I depend to much on others, other times I'm afraid to ask for what I need from them. I let others get to me, forgetting I have control of my own reactions. This things have come to my attention, and the more I think about them, the more I feel empowered to do the things that I need to do to make me happy. If others are with me, they are. If they don't like it, frankly (not to sound mean but...) that's too bad.

I love my job. I am learning so much as I teach and counsel. I know I am right where I am suppose to be, job wise. I can't picture myself anywhere else right now. The scary part is thinking that I can't be in this job forever, it's only part time, and eventually I'll need a job that makes slightly more money.

Speaking of job... I should really go get ready for work now.